Fear my yawn!

Letter to Spider Cat

from an email i received today:

PET RULES

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this.
o not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent
possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy,walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

All through the house...

Not a creature stirring. Unless you count Spider Cat who periodically races around dining room chairs without touching the floor. But right now he's either napping or eating something furry since I haven't heard a clang in a while.

I love those Saturday mornings, few and far between, where I get up, make a pot of coffee and sit in the quiet reading the paper or my email. No one is calling me to come to their house and play Bob Villa. I have no pressing engagements. The Duck is sleeping.

The quiet is soon to erupt into weekend house guests and a list of tasks to be completed before they arrive.

But for now, it's blissful

I think I'll head down to the kitchen for that second cup of coffee.

AP

Petey Here...

I have taken over the posting on this innernet to tell you about what the Platypus did to me this weekend.

There I was sleeping peacefully upon the covers, occasionally waking to climb to the top of the Platypus and use my teeth to see what's under all that hair. This is also a fine vantage point for surveying the room.

I heard some rustling in the other room (the one that holds the toy that hangs from the ceiling and irks me so with it's soft fur and feathery tail. Just what is this creature and why can't I drag it around to house?!) The sounds coming from the outer room were being made by my very own running toy! It had soft fur AND it squeeked. Especially when I used my teeth!

I brought this fun new game in to the Platypus for her to see and play with. She didn't like it one bit! she made a horrible racket and woke up the Duck. Ooooh the Duck and I do not get along in the evenings. He will not let me sit upon his head and he locks me out of the room....

Anyway, I chased my new toy under the bed several times while the Platypus yelled and the Duck chased me with a big blue plastic mitten. This made the Platypus laugh so I jumped on the bed to show her my toy.

Then the Duck took it away. and he threw it outside.

I am not speaking to either of them until they bring me a new running, squeeking, furry toy.

Yours Very Truly
Petey Parker (Spider Cat)


Did they honestly think I would be fooled by this pink thing?