you thought I was kidding.....

I aspire to rock this hard!

Superstitions....

If your palms itch, you are supposed to be coming into money.

What does it mean if your boobs itch?

AP

Letter to Spider Cat

from an email i received today:

PET RULES

(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.)

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this.
o not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent
possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging
out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy,walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Knitting is cool

I sort of kind of kickstarted a knitting group. I am so proud. I met a girl through yahoo groups who lives nearby and we got together last thursday to stitch and bitch. and she was cool. and not granola-crunchy-knit-a-complicated-lace-top-with-matching-leggings kind of girl. yippie for me!!

Since i've noticed that I need some new friends. and some local friends at that. I am committing myself to meeting some local people and doing some more local things. I really don't want to be schlepping downtown to have fun.

I was so proud of myself for starting this up and then on Saturday I was knitting at my yard sale (wow, how cool am I) and a girl came over to chat about knitting. Did I ask her to join our new group? Of course not.

sigh. I'm trying. really, I am.

All of a sudden...

I realized I'm getting married.

In 5 weeks.

And now, all sorts of men look good. I mean really good. I haven't even looked up in 6 years. I took the subway a few times on Wednesday and even managed to find a few there.

I'm pretty sure this is cold feet, but I'm a little sad that I'll never have another first date. or a first kiss or that stammery moment when you realize someone else is in to you.

I think I'll just miss the potential is all

AP

Monday Monday

Today is a crummy monday. today we will all replay "where were you when..." over and over. And today I am bored. I guess it's good to be bored. There are lots of people who can't manage being bored today. Today they are watching the TV or listening to the radio or standing out at a construction site listening to names being read and music being played.

But I don't feel like doing anything constructive. I just want to sit here and read blogs of other people's lives and see if they are more interesting or insightful or well-spoken than I am. Usually they are.

Plus I wish I could just be a happy grateful person. Mom and the bridesmaids threw me a shower over the weekend. It was nice. The party part was nice. Until the monster-in-laws showed up. almost 2 hours late. and expected me to serve them. Granted they had another event that morning, but really, she's the mother of the groom, you think this would take precedence. and she bought us a $40 gift. that she had tossed in a gift bag at bed bath and beyond. and it was a shellfish steamer, which I wanted, but she's jewish, and allergic to iodine... My mother's girlfriends put more thought and effort into their purchases. But I don't want to be ungrateful. Afterwards i got to listen to mom and each of the bridesmaids talk about what a horror working with the other three was. and to hear abou their money arguements... oh joy. that reminds me that I'm supposed to call one and tell her to send her check to my mother and not one of the other girls.

{sigh} I probably should've stayed in bed today. But I'm trying to bank up my sick time in case I get stuck here for longer than anticipated and wind up having to use it for maternity. Now I am up to 3 weeks. I can bank 12. Like that'll ever happen.

AP

The Platypus is a Notoriously Whiny Creature

This is what the Duck just said to me on the phone. I take issue with that statement. I don't feel that I've been all that whiny. The last few posts have been down right cheery. I mean, for me. That's about as cheery as I get.

I also didn't want to just come on here and kvetch. I wanted a place to effectively journal without worrying about posterity. One of the big problems I have with my paper journal (of which there are many) is that I am constantly self-editing for future generations. I find myself imagining my decendants sitting around reading through this crap and thinking "what a maniac! Now we know what was wrong with great-aunt Platypus. She wasn't properly medicated."

Actually, the truth is that I'm pretty boring. I lead a pretty boring life. Sure I have some work and family chaos, but who doesn't. My life is not so angst provoking and really that's what makes for good reading.

For example, here's my day yesterday:

Woke up at 3:30 4:15 4:45 5:30 and finally 6:00 to Spider Cat eating my hair. He does this to force me to pick my head up so that he can become more comfy on my pillow. And it has to be the pillow you are sleeping on. If you take the pillow under your head and move it to the foot of the bed, he will still come up and sit on your forehead, ear, etc and commence chewing until you move your head to increase his comfort level.

At 6:30 I finally gave up and got out of bed. It was my day off and I was hoping to sleep in a little bit, but I was just laying there thinking of all the things I wanted to accomplish that day.

I had an appointment at the Jenny Craig (please, we cannot go into the fact that I am a "slighly overweight" platypus, based on various height to fatness ratios and am therefore paying a small fortune to a canadian woman so she can cook my meals) at 10 am. Prior to leaving the house at 9:40, I completed the following chores:
changed the sheets on the bed
did 2 1/2 loads of laundry (left wet clothes in the dryer for fear of burning my house down while I was out)
balanced my checkbook and paid a few bills
dusted entire house and swept all the floors
made a grocery list and compiled list of other errands to run
oh and I fed the damn cat and changed the litter box, which was apparently why he was such a pain in the ass the night before.

Off I went to Jenny where I learned I had not lost one ounce, but continued to fork over the dough for my micro meals.

Afer Jenny I hit the dry cleaner, the bank, the dollar store, the famer's market and I dropped off a check at village hall to reserve a table for our community yard sale.

Wow, this is thrilling, I'm sure

After those exciting errands I came home and cleaned my kitchen and scrubbed out my scary scary oven. This appliance lies to me on a regular basis and claims to have a self-cleaning mode. I don't think I've ever gotten the self-cleaner to work. Actually, I'm quite sure of this since I cleaned it out yesterday and removed several pieces of glass. We've lived there for 9 months and I haven't exploded anything in a glass container (yet), so, yeah, that's gross.

I bored myself so much with this day that I had to go and take a nap. And there was some knitting. But I was so bored by myself that I couldn't even knit. There was also some reading. But this was mostly reading of Wedding verse books to try to pick some material out for the ceremony. This disgusted me so much I watched random-ass re-runs.

As for my diet... For dinner I had an entire sleeve of low-fat graham crackers, two glasses of soy milk, a cheese stick, several stale tortilla chips and a mini bag of fat free popcorn. None of this was made or sanctioned by the aforementioned Jenny. I think I should just flush my money, it'd be less time consuming.

So you see, this is why I don't want this to spiral into a "why my life is lame and I make myself sick" type of thing. There's enough whining and self-loathing in the world. But I don't want to make things seem rosier than they are. There's enough self-righteous pontificating bloggers for that as well.

I will try to post entertainig content, but sometimes, it's hard.

All through the house...

Not a creature stirring. Unless you count Spider Cat who periodically races around dining room chairs without touching the floor. But right now he's either napping or eating something furry since I haven't heard a clang in a while.

I love those Saturday mornings, few and far between, where I get up, make a pot of coffee and sit in the quiet reading the paper or my email. No one is calling me to come to their house and play Bob Villa. I have no pressing engagements. The Duck is sleeping.

The quiet is soon to erupt into weekend house guests and a list of tasks to be completed before they arrive.

But for now, it's blissful

I think I'll head down to the kitchen for that second cup of coffee.

AP

Why June Cleaver Smiles

Yesterday was the Day Off. This is a momentous occasion where I get to sleep until {gasp} 7am. Then I race around like headless chicken to complete a weeks worth of housewife chores.

This week was different. I have been reading the FlyLady site and actually trying to take some of the advice. I have been to FlyLady before, but I wasn't ready for my 1950s home-maker-make-over. now I am.

I cleaned my whole house, did three loads of laundry, deep cleaned my living room (including washing windows and vacuuming under the sofa), ran all my errands and had enough time to sit on my fat furry heiny and read a magazine, for 45 minutes.

Then mom showed up and we went mother-of-the-bride dress shopping. This could be an horrific experience since my mother is not at all mother-of-the-bride-ish and would look absolutely preposterous in one of those Bea Arhtur inspired beaded ensembles. We have been dress shopping 5 or 6 times already and she hasn't seen a single thing that didn't make her want to throw up or sell a kidney to afford.

Yesterday, we bought a dress. at a bridal shop. it was mismarked. she only paid $140. I'm so thrilled! it's hip, modern and looks fantastic. here's a pic:

Mom is not so blond. or so tall. or quite so thin, but it will be fabulous! And so much more so when the Duck's progenitor shows up wearing something like this:

Hopefully she can get some gloves to match. Possibly a hat...


Ok, this is way too much fun. Don't worry, I'll post pics of the acutal event (faces and names distorted to be more human and less semi-aquatic mammal, of course)

AP